Day 1

So, I’m getting back into blogging. YEAH! A friend of mine suggested it as being a useful outlet at the moment as I am facing some trials and tribulations. Currently very unrestful in the day job, and it’s looking like that day job won’t be around much longer.

Last time this happened to me (8 months ago in fact) it was a very, very stressful period of my life. Uncertainty. The unknown. Fear. Sorrow. Feelings of worthlessness. Anxiety. Dandruff. Tears. Too much wine. Too many cigarettes. Too many sleepless nights. 

And then, out of the stress came... Anger! Big, righteous anger, edged with despair. Who are they to say I am not good enough? From that anger, a seed was planted. Why do I need to work for someone else? Why do I need to put my soul under someone else’s scrutiny? That seed blossomed into my new business, which currently does not support me enough to be my only venture, but is something beautiful that was born from despair.

This time, I am stronger.

This time, I think I can cope. And come out of it shining. This is my wish.

I have a great support network, I have my finances on track (as much as I can for now!), I have a loving home and I have my seed, my business.

I am scared, definitely. But I am also ready for my life to take that next step. For my seed to become a flower, and bloom.

This is Day 1.

At the moment, I feel angry. I put 4 years of my life into The Day Job and that is disregarded, not by my performance, or who I am, but because the numbers didn’t add up. The costs are too high. Which makes the pill even more bitter to swallow as now I feel like I have been reduced to a mere number. I have a kind of bad habit, of when I get too angry (or any sort of emotion, really) I cry. Even as I’m writing this, I do feel a bit tearful. But I guess that is ok. It’s Day 1, and I’m allowed to feel discontent, and angry, and pissed off, and tearful. I need to allow myself some time to process and to wallow as I’m human and if I ignore those feelings, they could bubble up to something worse inside of me.

So here I am, writing away. Breathing deeply. Acknowledging my emotions in the moment. I’m looking forward to getting home and painting. I haven’t had time to paint for over a week and it’s making me twitchy. Even though I am SO tired, as I barely slept last night. I can feel my fingers itching and my heart burning as I need to create something. I need to lose myself in the moment and then I can begin nurturing myself through all of this.